As a coach and leadership trainer, Miriam shares practical suggestions from her experience on dealing with leaders who are sometimes described as - "feelers."
Thank you, Miriam, for passing on these relational insights about leadership.
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Michael has to say no to a colleague who really needs his expertise—so that he is able to focus on new developments in his own ministry. Anna has to tell an applicant that someone else got the job. Natasha is scheduled to tell a team member that the project will go on as planned in spite of his objections.
These are people I know and conversations I’ve been a part of in the last few weeks. Because Michael is a “feeler”, he has the emotional intelligence to build bridges to this colleague in a way that continues the peer mentor aspect of their friendship. Because Anna is a “feeler”, she is able to help the applicant feel genuinely supported in seeking another kind of position. Because Natasha is a “feeler”, she is able to rely on the years of trust she has built up with this team member to keep inspiring his contribution, even when he disagrees about the approach.
Some people who are effective leaders are also people who are strongly emotionally affected by the impact of their leadership on the people around them. Although a feeler isn’t automatically emotionally intelligent, there seems to be a correlation to the potential for it. But the responsibility of leading can cost a feeler a great deal, and the stronger the level of feeling, the more it seems to cost. As a feeling leader initiates change, there is grief to processing the losses entailed as that change become evident. As what is best for the good of the whole is acted on, he needs to deal with the stress of caring about potential painful effects on the lives of individuals without hindering moving toward shared goals.
Do you have feelers on your team? Show your support in times of potential conflict or change by initiating a conversation about how they are doing and perhaps praying together. Proactively spending 10 minutes at a difficult time builds a loyal trust that serves everyone’s purposes in the long run. Encourage them that the action they are taking is the right thing, even if it is hard. Make sure they know that you value their fine-tuned emotional intelligence in building the needed trust to bring all of the available gifts of your team to bear on your common goals and that you don’t begrudge a certain amount of extra time they take to support the processes of others.
These can be simple acts of emotional intelligence that keep your team members pulling with you.
If you are a feeler who leads:
Come prepared with a short, prayed-over, well-thought-out written summary of the points you would like to communicate if you have something important to say that is emotionally laden. Sometimes it’s even appropriate to give that to the person you are talking to as a letter to start the conversation. This help you avoid the frustration of feeling like you’ve not been able to clearly represent your message. Be sure that you schedule time in your private life to process your emotional overload by journaling, praying and communicating with trusted confidants outside of your work setting. Relieve stress in general by attending to your diet, sleep and exercise. When given a chance, tell your close colleagues that you recognize carrying emotional stress is sometimes the flip side of being a feeler; that you’ll be OK but appreciate their small signs of interest; that you know the job still needs to be done, even if it’s hard; that you are proactively seeking balance in this area. Learn to take a brief break from an emotional conversation if you need to regain your perspective: pause to get something to drink, go to the other room to get an article you promised to give them or to get your sweater. Practice using your imagination in a way that helps you relax—imagine the wind on your face, the person in front of you at his best moment, big hugs, a hot tub--and know what emotional ‘station’ you will tune to if the situation becomes stressful. If you are at an impasse in a conversation, graciously suggest that it’s time to close off for now and schedule another appointment soon, after you’ve had time to give the issues some more thought. Be careful about continuing to work under a leader or in a team environment with whom you perpetually are unable to build trust. If that is your current situation, don’t stay too long—it may be costing you more than you can afford to pay. Learn to accept and celebrate who you are, both the parts that make you shine and the parts that make you uncomfortable. Know that you are able to support others in their development in unique ways.
Miriam Phillips
